Everything Must Go!
by Octovision
Summary: AU. LxLight. L is a struggling record store owner. Light is a rich, arrogant antisocialite. Light hits L with his car, and it all snowballs from there.
1. Chapter 1

L was making out with Light when he turned into a large, gaping tentacle monster with several thousand phallus prongs. He inserted two-hundred of them into Light's protruding anus. The boy-man's stomach swelled like the effects of a bad self-enema. Thirty-three tentacle emerged from Light's mouth, skewered him through his digestive tract. They wiggled, and liked the warm effects.

Light moaned, blood gushing from his mouth in a hellish river as he did so. The pain and pleasure were too much to comprehend.

The field of puffy pink rape tentacles grew more swollen, fleshy and juicy as Light's blood rained upon them. L send a telepathic message to Light's family, telling them he had caught the Kira. The national news organizations of Nippon spoke in Nihongo as they arrived on the oddly familiar scene. Thirty years ago this day, Nagasaki and Hiroshima had been bombed. Countless civilians had died that day. The Emperor Hirohito was also impaled by Lawliet the tentacle monster that day. For you see, it had been Emperor Hirohito collecting his citizen's names and entering them in the Death Note.

Lawliet was man's last salvation against the Death Note. The Shinigami named Lawliet raised a thousand tentacles with Light's bloated corpse skewered on three-hundred of them. They were only able to identify him with dental records. A thousand cameras flashed as the press conference commenced. Three unruly children fed Lawliet's tentacles like they were ducks, with breadcrumbs. The tentacles wrapped around them reflexively and they died deaths pretty similar to Light Yagami.

With the radio waves in his head, L broadcast a message saying the purity of the nation was no longer at stake. He vanished in the sunset, pistachio gelato dripping from his massive, tentacled form.


	2. Chapter 2

L – who had grown lonely after exposing the Kira – consulted a book about a lonely young girl who had been sent away to fat camp. The book was titled _Fat Camp_. L lavished in his many floral throw-pillows, his pink-and-tentacled body making squelching noises as he moistened the carpets and misted the curtains with his pusillanimous love juices.

He had collected the pubic hairs of every British Parliament member – he kept them in a stable and sheered their woolly bits every season. As of now he had a sock for every tentacle and an bonnet for his head. He kept warm, and the pubic threads glistened, meshing well with his tangled, sweaty body.

Light Yagami's dead body floated to the surface of the carpet. His dead body had many peeling sunburns from his crack binge on the solar system's most prevalent feature. L began peeling strips of dead skin from Light's body. It was much like the result of gluing one's self over night and peeling off the results in the morning. L spurted aloe vera all over Light like an aloe vera plant. His tentacles caressed his boyfriend's re-animated features. He rubbed the boy-man's stiff nipples into even stiffer poles. They protruded like telephone poles from his well-toned chest. However, they began to sag and swell quickly – figures inside them swirled and kicked like babies. Light Yagami was pregnant with twin tentacle monsters, courtesy of L.

Light moaned intravenously as the tips of his nipples widened to accommodate the wide girth and gave plenty of berth for the birth of two three-story large tentacle beasts. They tumbled forth from the bloody, gaping holes. Light lay panting in his straw cot. L looked on proudly as a father of this station.


	3. Chapter 3

L materialized in Light Yagami's subconscious, tethering his many tentacles to the tilted, cracked Grecian columns that jutted out like toothpicks in finger sandwiches, on the mossy, grid-like squares that comprised Light Yagami's mind. It felt oddly fitting that Light possessed such a murky and swampy set of brains – a slew of flamingos flocked in a stoney green pool. They, too, were green. And as his mass tugged a the columns, the dark, loamy topsoil under the grids turned up shyly. He eased himself to an outcropping of beige rocks and slithered to its base, his tentacles retracting.

It what anyone else would perceive as a gesture of meditation, L curled his tentacles to himself, tightly, as an inky black substance dripped from the ends of them. They shaped almost instantaneously into thick smears of humanoids. Shadows, as it were. They scattered. He looked on placidly, even without eyes he could see them.

The shadow-creatures immediately busied themselves with the white marble columns. Two or three hauled them away, and carried them to the flamingos' rock pool where they pushed them down in. The flamingos were so upset they contorted into condors and flew away screaming. Ten or so columns had been plugged into the rock pool, where it made an odd sound. like a watery wood-chipper. Only there was no dust or rubble left from the columns and a thick walling of sand began to drip from the shadow-creatures' joined hands.

After the sand enveloped the place where the rock pool had sat, the shadow-creatures formed into a large blurr, and re-entered L's body forcibly, like a straw sucking up a rebellious drop milkshake. L sighed and went out like a particle wave, his tentacles folding into himself. The grids went gray and he appeared in daylight once more. A child on the street screamed, at either the sight of a five-storey tall tentacle monster or Light Yagami's brains splattered all over the sidewalk, he wasn't sure which.


	4. Chapter 4

L walked down the street with his sons and his lover, Light Yagami, on leashes. Light wore a jewel-encrusted collar and a vibrating butt-plug with a dog's tail attached to it. He crawled on his hands and knees over the sidewalk, occasionally tearing his skin and humiliating himself in front of the general public of Nippon. The people spoke in Nihongo and whispered among themselves as the former Kira was dragged along behind three huge tentacle monsters, his spirit broken.

"Grievances!" one of L's newly born sons shrieked. He was tall, with deep-green tentacles and his mother's sense of justice. From his suction cups formed a Death Note. He began scribbling down names furiously — all the members of British Parliament his father kept in a stable for their durable pubic hairs.

"YOU WILL DO NO SUCH THING!" his father L cried. He strode up to his tentacled son and tore him in half. Light Yagami whimpered as orgasm struck. His knees and elbows gave up and left him sprawled on the sidewalk twitching in a pool of his own cum. His brains dripped out side of his head like melted ice cream. A firetruck was dispatched to remove the area of the torn tentacle monster. It howled into the night and carried the corpse off to sea.

L and his remaining son stood on the edge of a precipice overlooking Mt Fuji's mystic wonders.


	5. Chapter 5

Light Yagami was speeding down the Autobahn in the suped-up monster truck his sugar daddy — Beyond Birthday — had purchased for him for his birthday. It was really nice, with big puffy tires and rear suspension. It had mudflaps and it could crush a Ford Anglia like a pop can in the arena. Light didn't compete, though: he just like to cruise.

In fact, he pulled over at a rest stop to cruise the restroom. He stuffed his pink cravat into his collar and waggled his eyebrows suggestively at the raccoon-eyed man masturbating with a urinal cake. Suddenly the raccoon-eyed man transfigured into a giant, throbbing tentacle monster with thousands of tentacles ready to probe at every orifice. Yes, even Light Yagami's nostrils were not safe from this horny, urinal-cake-masturbating creature.

"I'm a record store clerk, y'know," said L.

"I'm a rich, arrogant antisocialite," gasped Light Yagami. With Herculean strength, he hauled himself outside the restroom to his parking spot and dove into the monster truck. He reversed over several tentacles. L screamed in pain. In anger, he stuck several of his juicy tentacles to the monster truck and tossed it into the Indian Ocean. Light Yagami's lifeless body bobbed to shore one day. Several Indian ladies looked among themselves, saying "This is not my husband." Eventually one volunteered herself to jump on the makeshift funeral pyre and weep tears of sadness for this Nihongo stranger. All of them clapped as Guidama Patil burned, screaming and flailing on the pile of dirty rags and decomposing body of Light Yagami. L snatched the raft with a sodden tentacle and ate it like a smore.


	6. Chapter 6

Shout out: I want to thank everyone for your reviews!

Light Yagami was dancing in a gay club. He was wearing sterling silver nipple clamps, cheetah-print ass chaps, a crocodile-leather harness and a police man hat. He had Prince Albert tucked into a canary-yellow banana hammock. All in all, he'd had too many roofied Bahama-Mamas and was ready to throw up. However, presently, his sponsor for the evening – a queer-looking (duh) fellow with dark hair and dark eyes that had been shilling out bill after bill as Light ground himself against sexually confused college students – had the familiar look in his eye. _Stop fucking around and let's get out of here_.

The man who hadn't revealed his name, simply L, what a fucking sack of shit he was, forcibly tore Light from a young frat boy in a pink Gamma Alpha Delta shirt, who had already creamed his pants and was looking supremely forlorn as L shooed him away. He steered Light into his car. Light, still woozy from all the Bahama-Mamas, giggled as L pushed into the trunk. He began screaming at kicking from the inside. The engine started and Light could hear "Together Forever" blasting in the front as they sped down Barnsdale Avenue. Once they reached what was presumably L's residence, the older man stomped on the brake and Light was flung forward, knocking off his police cap and hitting his head against the backseats. In a few seconds the trunk popped open and L grumpily, woozily slung his legs over the end and kicked the exhaust petulantly when L jerked him out by his forearm.

"_Fucking shit_," he spat. He started walking off in some direction. Where, he didn't care.

It wasn't long before a hand was clamped over his shoulder and guiding in the opposite way. Silently L strode behind Light on the sidewalk and nearly pushed him into the house – it was one of those generic housing addition prototypes, he thought snidely. He tossed his cap and harness onto the sofa carelessly and thought idly about what his sponsor might do for a living. There were a large amount of photos of family. The furniture was nice. A dentist, he decided.

"I don't normally take in misbehaving cretins like yourself," came L's monotonous voice from the foyer. "But you certainly like your Bahama-Mamas. Would you like another?"

Before Light could say anything, one was being pushed in his hand. He scowled. "I don't want anymore fucking Bahama Mamas. My ass is loose enough."

"Oh, let's see about that," L cackled, turning into a large multi-colored tentacle monster.

Light screamed and loped for the door. He jerked on the handle desperately and dimly realized the deadbolt was in place. A slimy tentacled wrapped around his waist as he hastened to unlock the deadbolt. Unfortunately the creature was faster than Light. He tore off Light's minimal clothing. With much shame, Light realized his cock was at full attention. He gave a few heaving sobs as the creature delicately curled the termination of its tentacle around his cock, from shaved base to the weeping slit of the tip. God, it felt so good!

It squeezed, tighter, tighter still. Light thought he was going to explode from pleasure. He'd certainly never experienced anything like this from lovers past. His eyes went impossibly wide at a tentative prodding to his entrance. Would it fit? He grit his teeth as a whole tentacle fit and slid through his digestive tract. His organs squelched in pleasure. Bile trickled from his lips. Yet another tentacle prodded at his mouth and in it slid to meet the other tentacle jammed in halfway. The creature turned Light like he was a weenie on a spit.

"Good boy," gurgled the tentacle monster.

Light's body burst into a million bloody pieces. Luckily L had a drain in his living room. Most of the blood went there and then into the sewer.


	7. Chapter 7

It was a hot sweaty day in the Swiss Alps, and inside Light Yagami's little nouveau-riche chalet it was no different. The air-conditioning was broken, much to his chagrin, so he'd spent much of the morning sunbathing on the flat-top roof after a leisurely fuck with his now unemployed ski instructor (due to the lack of snow).

When he woke up with a golden-brown tan, he padded on the silky carpet fibers, shivering at the softness tickling the soles of his feet. His sugar daddy, a London-based detective named L, was currently in Berlin right now investigating reports of a double patricide, involving gay marriage and the fidelity of a certain financial institution. Anyway, Light didn't want to concern himself with that, but he listened boredly anyway, the phone tucked between his neck and ear, as L droned on. He slammed a skilled on the burner and unwrapped a package of freshly butchered hog bacon. The sound of the paper and plastic kind of drowned out L, and Light heard a few things about a Presbyterian minister and dinosaur bones.

The bacon began to sizzle.

"Yeah, mmhmm," Light Yagami said.

Soon the bacon was done. "Look, honey, my bacon's done and I am STARRRR-ving. I'll call you back."

Light Yagami put the phone back on the receiver. He scraped the bacon from the skillet delicately, wrapped it up for lunch and eyed the remnants of the pan - the slowly congealing grease - with an intense hunger. Collecting a wooden spoon from the utensil drawer, he stirred it in the bacon grease tenuously. It was still hot. Oh well, he thought. He coated the end of the spoon in bacon grease, and stepped out of his trousers. He positioned the spoon on a kitchen chair and sank onto the bacon-grease coated spoon. He hissed it was so hot. Literally hot. His anus burned at the intrusion. Angry, he ripped the spoon out of his poopchute and chucked it in the sink and finished the dishes with a waddle. God it hurt.


	8. Chapter 8

Light Yagami was currently surfing the Internet. Specifically he was on Craigslist looking for a good fuck. All the pictures of studs, young and old, made Light Yagami's snozzberry tremble with desire. He clicked on a link that said "WANT SUM FUK?"

The ad had a picture of a four-inch penis and long wavy black pubic hair. There was no face because penises don't have faces. The description read as such;

"HI IM N TOWN 4 DA WEEKND AND I WANT SUM FUK CAN ANY1HELP ME OUT?! MALES ONLEE! SIRIUS INKWEIRES! NO FLAMESZZ!"

Light Yagami was appalled at this horrific raping the English language, even though he was Japanese and logically could not read or speak English. This was worse than the Rape of Nanking. He adored the photo of the penis, however, the poster's nauseating lack of grammatical skills prompted him to email with a correct script. He instantaneously received a reply;

"SO U R THE KIRA! I NEW IT! ONLY THE KIRA CAN'T RESIST TO CORRECT POOR ENGRISH!"

Light Yagami gasped. "Oh no!" he said to his computer monitor, his co-conspirator.

Suddenly a large tentacle emerged from the floppy disk drive. It immediately skewered Light Yagami's bowels. Shit exploded everywhere. It coated the walls with sloppy brown pulp. His cat was also lost in the sea of smelly brown shit. L fully emerged from the CPU and gurgled a wineglass of Light Yagami's nipple-tit blood-milk.

"Suck my titties!" his balls screamed, the only part of him that could speak anymore.

They suddenly grew teeth and nibbled gently at L's numerous suction cups.

"Oh that's what daddy likes!" cried the tentacle monster as if he were on the brink of orgasm (he was).

On top of the poo-ridden banks of the poo river came a flood of L's monstrous baby batter. The cat drowned, unfortunately. The balls of Light Yagami gasped and choked but were able to breathe out one last phrase," U WANT SUM FUK?"

THE END.


	9. Chapter 9

Light Yagami was currently contemplating the existential nature of a plate of scrambled eggs. His foot tapped to the rhythm of Amy Grant's "Baby Baby" blaring from the radio on the windowsill. This was his eighth plate of scrambled eggs in twenty minutes, and as such, he weighed in at about six-hundred and eighty pounds.

The camera crew for _My 600-lb Life_ set up their equipment as Light devoured another plate of scrambled eggs. "Hey, fatty, make sure you leave some so we can get a good shot," yelled the director. Light Yagami set down his plastic fork, and waited patiently for the cameras to start rolling. In the meantime, Dr. Younan Nowzaradian, a miniscule Iranian man with a goofy accent, emerged from the bathroom decked out in surgical gear. He held a rusty saw dripping with blood, lowering it surreptitiously as he approached the patient.

"Yes, Mr. Yagami, it appears your medical condition is that you are too fat."

"I could've told you that!" he said, his chins quivering in protest.

"You have more chins than a Chinese phonebook!" yelled Dr. Nowzaradian, butchering the English language horribly with his devil's tongue.

"I'm _Japanese_!" cried Light.

"How should I know, you all look the same!" Dr. Nowzaradian said, flailing his arms. He burst into tears, and crumpled up on the floor, contorting and folding in on himself until all that remained was a pile of surgical gear. The blood from the rusty saw pooled solemnly next to the empty clothes.

Two seconds later, Light Yagami heard a scream. The director and his crew were wriggling and writhing, caught in the grip of several massive red tentacles. They squeezed and squeezed until all the blood was wrung from the crew and washing across the tiled floor. The tentacles released the husks of the camera crew, dropping them unceremoniously across the floor. One tentacle crossed hesitantly across the room to stroke Light Yagami's cheek. He blushed.

And the sphincter at the end of the tentacle opened up and began to devour Light Yagami's six-hundred-eighty-pound life. Soon, the tentacle looked like a garden snake that had swallowed an ostrich egg.


End file.
